I still can't figure out my "love" life. Last weekend I went down to hang with my old college crowd, a club. The faces may have changed as people graduated, moved, and new people joined, but the overall feel is still the same - a bunch of warm, caring, slightly off people who like to play games and care about each other. I saw a couple of people there I had met before, and some new ones.
One of the people I had met before seemed, well, interesting. I mean, I had known of his existence, but didn't know much about him other than the fact that he was younger than I am. I had run into him at last year's Lunacon and he had commented then that his life was almost perfect. He had everything except a girlfriend, and was now actively trying to "fix" that portion of his life. I remember being nervous about that. I mean, people on the prowl never made me comfortable, even when I was the one on the prowl. Especially then, come to think of it. Whenever I went searching for a boyfriend, I ended up looking for someone who could fill the role, not someone who ought to. And now, here he was, over a year later, still desperately trying to fix that flaw in his life. And somehow, although I was still nervous about the prowling issue, I was also interested. I haven't been on the prowl per se, but it has been a while since I have had a steady boyfriend, not just a "friend with fringe benefits." He and another person I had met before (also a cool guy, I might add, even if he IS trying to become a piece of pond scum, er, fellow lawyer) were going clubbing. I asked if I could tag along. Again, I'm not really sure why. I'm not much of a club person. I guess I just wanted to be with this guy, to get to know him better.
We went to a club where we met some of their friends, tangential friends, I'm not even sure. One of the people we met was the SO of someone I knew when I was more active in the club, a.k.a. during college. He had brought a friend from college, a guy who lived up in Rochester. At the first club I sat in between the SO and the Rochester guy and traded back scritches. I really am a scritch slut. The Rochester guy and I seemed to hit it off pretty well. If the other guy (the "prowler" for lack of a better description, although it conveys something I don't really mean) hadn't been there, more might have happened. I don't know. As it was, I kept looking over in his direction every now and then to see how he was reacting. He wasn't. I REALLY should have noticed that and translated it to "not interested, prowling but still not interested," but I didn't.
We went to another club and I sat next to him. I thought we were hitting it off. When we all left, the Rochester guy kissed me goodbye. I mean really kissed me. I was a little surprised, I guess. I still didn't and don't know how I feel about him. I mean, I was focused on the guy I knew.
Fast forward and I finally have accepted that I have no chance in hell with the guy I knew. It's kind of depressing, the idea that he actively wants a girlfriend, I'm willing and wanting to be that person, and I still don't have a prayer. The "anyone, I need someone, oh wait, not you, you don't count as anyone" idea. I know it isn't that simple, nor is he that desperate, but I have my own self esteem issues. So what do I want with that relationship? I'm not even sure what I want matters. I mean, I felt like we had a lot in common and complimented each other in the areas we were different. Friends? Yeah, I guess, but it's hard. I think he's great and I want him in my life, but it just hurts, knowing how differently we feel. I don't know what I can and can't handle. Of course, I know he and mutual friends read this, so I debated not even writing about it, but I realized that this is my journal, dammit. If this is what is affecting me, and it is, this is what I should write about. I usually have more discretion than this, but I'm not thinking perfectly. I went manic yesterday (more about that later) and it affects how I think.
Meanwhile, the guy from Rochester called two nights ago and we talked, and I called him last night and we talked. He's coming down to visit Memorial Day weekend. He has said he felt a connection with me, and I think I did too. I don't know much of anything right now. I mean, as I said, I suspect if the guy I knew wasn't at the club, more would have happened with this guy, but that's a whole lot of maybes. I still want him to come down, though. He is a cool person.
So now where do I stand? I have no idea. How do I feel about anyone, including myself? Same answer. What am I going to do about it? Ditto. I think all I can do is wait and let time pass. I can feel myself pulling back into myself, wrapping myself up in that little protective shell that I did such a good job of breaking out of, that shell I had back in high school that kept me from interacting with much of anyone so I wouldn't get hurt. I'm trying not to retreat into myself, but I'm not doing very well.
Yesterday at work was BAD. Nutshell is I was helping out with the phones and a woman I dealt with pushed me to a manic episode. I don't have those often, but I did, and it was bad. I hung up the phone and said, in a much louder voice than I intended "Screw you, Bitch." The reactions from my co-workers were .... less than favorable. I ended up taking an hour of sick time and going home. I spent a lot of yesterday late afternoon in tears. I'm pulling myself out, and was able to spend an hour and a half on the phone with AT&T changing my service so they carry everything (it works out cheaper than what I have now), but not in time to have last night's call to Rochester be included in unlimited rather than costing me 10 cents a minute. I'm still not in great shape, however. I'm supposed to go to Jersey to see friends today, but I'm just so drained. Once I'm there, I know they can deal, but I don't want to have a psychodrama and ruin an otherwise fun gathering, and I'm also not sure how much driving I should do. I just don't know anymore.
I may make this entry private later. I know I wont just do friends only because that still doesn't "protect" it from some of the people whose reactions to it concern me. For now, however, I may as well just leave it public. What the hell. I've already ruined my image at work, why not complete the job and ruin it socially as well. Of course, this could be the last nail in the coffin with the guy I knew, the idea of "she has no discrection and we have friends in common, I was right to run screaming from the idea of dating her", but I think the coffin has already been planted and is decomposing so I don't suppose it matters. And before anyone says "well, sure he doesn't feel chemistry right now, but you never know what will develop," let me point out that I already said that and it's not likely to develop.
Here's hoping I don't regret this.