Deb (debkitty) wrote,

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OK, Input Needed

Well, after I wrote my previous bit, I read someone else's journal. Now I don't know what I feel. I suppose some context might be useful.

I met this guy a couple of weeks ago. I had never seen him before, didn't even know he existed. We seemed to hit it off. A few hours later and I was in an emotional place I had never been. A complete stranger who I suddenly trusted completely, who made me shiver with desire, and who I somehow felt connected to. He is in an open marriage, so the possibility of "something" happening existed. "Something" happened, but with limitations. He was in enough control of himself to restrain himself. I know he was right, but it was rather frustrating at the time.

He sent me an email the next night. That was 3 or 4 weeks ago. I emailed him a few times, but got the "real busy, will respond soon" response a week or two ago. The email he had sent seemed promising, as did his journal description of that night. So here I was, senses inflamed, feeling like I had really connected with someone. I thought he felt the same, but had restraint.

Now I read his journal today. Extract as follows:

"Why did you break your rule"?
"I tried not to break it. I took the precautions"
"Then it wasn't that. Why (name). Why?"

"Trust no one (name). Why did you trust?"
"because she felt right"
"Why did you trust her?"

"You broke your word to the wife. You broke the contract"
"I did not."

"You broke your word to yourself"
"Yes. I did."
"Why, (name)? Why?"

"Why did you let your defenses go down?"

"Why did you put your trust?"

"Why did you go back to her room?"

"Those rules are to protect you. Why do you hurt us?"

And they begin to extract their due.

Great. He's currently on a trip, alone, and "going to meet people (he has) either never seen before or have not seen in years. ... Oh (he's) sure (he'll) be fine, but (he) probably will be changed in a way. Experience has a way of doing that, changing us. With luck, the natives will be friendly, the experiences will be fun and rewarding, the trip will be good, and (he) will return with interesting stories to tell. If things go really well then friendships will be deepened, and (his) curiosity will be satisfied..."

So, in a nutshell, from the way I read things, I was taken by him and he didn't feel the same, and now he is in the same state over someone else that I was (am?) over him.

In some ways I am relieved. He isn't beating himself up over me. I didn't cause him to feel guilt. I didn't cause him to regret. On the other hand, I'm ... not as relieved. I wasn't able to have that strong an effect on him. I wasn't able to turn his body and mind to Jello. I didn't inflame his senses as he inflamed mine.

So logic says to just forget, and if he ever contacts me, enjoy the moments I can have and ignore the fact that they are just moments. Emotions, however, aren't listening. I really thought he could become a special person in my life, a true friend, someone who I trust instantly and with whom the trust deepens with every passing day. And now?

I'm reminded of a line from Into The Woods
"Oh, if life were made of moments,
Even now and then a bad one--!
But if life were only moments,
Then you'd never know you had one."

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